OWL
Kristen, you're gonna be mad at me.
PUSSYCAT
Why?
OWL
I swear if I see that Bruno again I'm going to kill him. I can't go back to Albany.
PUSSYCAT
All right. I'm not mad at you.
OWL
You will be. But I think I know the way to give your career a shot in the arm.
PUSSYCAT
You don't have to do that. You're already paying me.
OWL
Well, you're allowing me to explore a beautiful example of the very species to which I am held accountable, and to whom I play a role that can only be described as ministerial.
PUSSYCAT
What do you do again, Mr. Fox? I'm kidding.
OWL
If I see that Bruno again, I will murder him and that will just devastate my family. This is better.
PUSSYCAT
What are you going to do?
OWL
It's complicated, and yes it involves you.
PUSSYCAT
Is it safe?
OWL
No, it's going to pretty bad, mostly for me, though. However, with the pressure mounting, it does provide an immediate out as governor. Your boost into stardom is somewhat secondary.
PUSSYCAT
Thanks. So what's happening?
OWL
I've been churning some of my trust accounts, in a small way. The banks wouldn't even notice except I've goaded them into uploading software to detect a pattern in suspicious transaction activity.
PUSSYCAT
How goaded?
OWL
I hold them accountable for crimes they fail to detect without it. So they have to report me to the IRS. It looks like I'm being blackmailed.
PUSSYCAT
Why are you so sure they're going to bother checking you?
OWL
You know why.
PUSSYCAT
You keep saying how everyone hates you. Why is that?
OWL
How many times have we seen each other? You know I'm not one for toadying. They're right to hate me, because I hate them, especially Bruno. It's a problem for me. I've got to get out of this. I'm going to snap at any minute. I'm so sick of plastering this smile on my face.
PUSSYCAT
I'm going to call your wife.
OWL
Get her on the phone. Call her cel.
PUSSYCAT (picking up the phone and dialing)
Are they here?
OWL
No, my family is home in New York.
PUSSYCAT
I thought we were having breakfast with them?
OWL
Next time.
She talks to the phone.
Silda, it's Kristin, that's right, your husband's call girl. What? Yes, he called me. No, through the agency. Yes, I gave him my number. No, he insists on calling them. Here let me put him on.
OWL (talking to the phone)
Silda, I'm resigning from office. I'll be out in a month at the most. Yes it's possible.
No, it's not a lot of effort on my part, I don't have to do anything except churn some accounts and spend a lot on Kristen here, which is one of the reasons I was put on this planet. I know, her CD is great, and the children like it; that's the decisive thing, if it plays well with the young folk, anyway, it's great publicity for her. Yes, I want this more than anything. Yes more than anything I also wanted to govern. It was the obvious next step. It was a mistake. Look, I tried but I can't help it. Sometimes you just don't take to people and when I see Bruno I see red. It's only going to lead to trouble so I'm thinking, we'll help Kristin here, make her the call girl of the century. Why not? It's only 2008. No, I think the Ambassador club will have to go down. Oh, it's the Emperor Club, by the way, like Caesar, not Kissinger. Actually, I, too, am going to have to go down. Why? I'm paying for sex.
PUSSYCAT
You are not. You're paying for my company, but yes I'm very available to you.
OWL?
Doesn't your fee make you feel a little Pre-disposed?
PUSSYCAT
Yes, pre-disposed to follow your command, oh Emperor, so long as you keep safety a priority.
OWL
(Shaking his head, returning to his phone conversation.) Anyway, Silda, I even had her take the train to DC so in effect I'm trafficking over state lines for an illicit purpose. It's a Federal offense. If I'm caught they may fine me, send me to jail, but definitely they'll force me out of office. I know. It sounds too good to be true. No. Right now they think I'm on the take. They're going to be very disappointed, but I've been pretty severe about the sex trade. This'll turn the gun back at me. I'll be forced out of office. Hypocrites will take to calling me a hypocrite and I really won't have done any harm to anyone except myself, especially with regard to sleep deprivation.
PUSSYCAT
You have to wake up early tomorrow?
OWL
I have a very busy day. We'll wrap this up in a minute. You probably need to get home, too.

PUSSYCAT
I was hoping to join your family for breakfast.
OWL
Next time. I only brought you here to trigger Federal law. I want nothing to do with New York State.
PUSSYCAT
Look, I'm going to go.
OWL
Yes. Go ahead.
PUSSYCAT
Don't you want to jerk off on my tits or something?
OWL
No, I'm fine. Just hearing you say it is enough. Thank you. Hey, I love that CD. So when the Feds contact you, just tell them everything. I should apologize for putting you through this but if you'll forgive my instinct, I sense that you are up for it.
PUSSYCAT
Yes, Mr. Fox. I can't imagine you abandoning your work.
OWL
No, I'm abdicating. If you knew my colleagues and caught a glimpse of New York's future, you'd want to do the same.
PUSSYCAT
I thought the whole point of these trysts was to sharpen your focus.
OWL
A good night's sleep would also help.
PUSSYCAT
Good night.
OWL
Good night. Silda, are you still there.
SILDA (She is suddenly audible on the other end of the phone line)
Yes. Are you sure this the right thing, Elliot?
OWL
It's better than the right thing.
SILDA
Just let me stand by your side throughout it.
OWL
OK. I probably won't take questions, then.
SILDA
Don't bother. You don't have to. Let them do everything.
OWL
Thanks.
SILDA
Did you just let her go?
OWL
Yes, she left. Is that OK?
SILDA
I hate seeing you blow through your family trust fund.
OWL
It stimulates the economy.
SILDA
But the dollar, Elliot, you're exposing the true value of a dollar.
OWL
Please. Good night, Silda. Oh, Silda, what about our daughters, are they going to be OK?
SILDA
No, Elliot, nice of you to think of them. It sounds like you've already pulled the trigger on this one. Good night.
A sexy dwarf appears offering advice about sex.
Hello, sexy dwarf.
Oh, just call me Mae West!
------
February 13th, 2008, Mayflower Hotel
from "Client Nine from Outer Space"
A play script by PETER DIZOZZA